So here we go… the quality of men who contact me online are akin to the guys in Deliverance – ok maybe not that bad, but distant cousins definitely!

 Wow  bouncer606 is back again – have I told you about him yet?  He’s the guy who is dressed in what can only be described as bright blue spandex – yes, SPANDEX – shorts, I guess you could call them, and a t-shirt, posed like a cool guy with his arm propped on the fireplace mantle.  He’s a “heartbroken countryboy” looking for his perfect match. For his intro, he says (again, as typed and verbatim), “Im a divorced man since 1991 looking for a longterm relationship.I haven’t dated for 4 years and decided to try to get back into dating.I had a very bad relationship that tore my heart to pieces.Im looking for a romantic lady who enjoys the fun things in life.I like making candlelight dinners,taking evening walks.I want a lady who doesnt play games and is honest.I like to make people laugh and smile.Im very easygoing and not to much bothers me.Im a countryboy and I do know how to treat a lady!”

             Ok, aside from his aversion to the spacebar after using a period, and punctuation, I can’t help but be wary of a guy who, aside from the spandex, has been divorced for four years and is just now getting back into dating?? What?  Shit dude, I may not enter into committed relationships, but I’ll date (and call booty calls dating because that entails social interaction which is basically all a date is). So yea…..spandex dude’s got to go!

 Next is ohjeff who, once again, winked.  God I fucking hate that – just write a one-line email or something.  Anyways, he is short, a Libra, lives in Macedonia (which is 35 miles away) and is in the process of getting a divorce. His ideal first date is to meet for coffee.  Really? Because I’m going to drive half an hour to meet you for a cup of coffee? (have I mentioned my utter lack of enthusiasm for any kind of distance ie: live outside of my county relationship? Blah…) 

 The next contestant is matthew….his profile says “I am a fun and comical guy to be around i;ll always keep ya smiling[easy going] respectful][loyal to my family and loved ones……im not a player and im not looking for one night stands in anyway i want a real woman thats in to family and wants to be my partner and best freind and to go threw the trials and tribulations of life together………  “  ok, I admit it, I am a punctuation snob.  I just can’t do it.  I know I need to relax my standards….I’m working on it.

 You know what? Fuck that.  Why should I relax my standards? Is it so wrong to expect a guy to dress like a normal person instead of spandex, know how to write a complete sentence and not be an anti-social takes four years to recover from a failed relationship tool?  No, I don’t think so. As such, I will continue with my punctuation snobbery and continue the endless search for a guy who will not annoy the ever living hell out of me.

 Must give great hugs.

 Must be a great kisser.

 Kids are optional – I love kids, I would prefer to just create our own but provided you get along very well with your Ex who won’t make our lives a living hell and your child/children (please no more than 2) are well-behaved and don’t play the spoiled brat “if you loved me” card, they’re fine.

 Penis must be at least 6 ½ inches long and an inch and a half (minimum) width – longer is better but porno dick is not necessary – those are just difficult to work with.

 Sex is required on a daily basis, at least once a day.  Exceptions can be made for sickness but you need to be a fast healer.

 Must be an expert spider killer – must fully understand that to tease or torment me with a live or killed spider is to risk my poisoning your dinner – actually, after I stop crying hysterically (yes my fear of spiders is THAT bad) I will probably just never speak to you again. Ever. Really.

 Must go on vacation at least once a year and a weekend getaway does not count.  A minimum of five days, to a mutually agreed upon location, without family.

 I will be going to Tuscany each summer to see my family – you are welcome to come if you will pay your own way, act like a gentleman in front of my family, will not smoke (there’s no smoking in front of my parents) and will not be a drunk ass.  If you cannot agreed and adhere to the aforementioned rules, I’ll see you in ten days when I get back. No big deal to me either way.

 Must like to camp in the summers – nothing better than  going to a lake for a weekend and relaxing.  A camper is great, a tent is acceptable with a blow-up mattress – my back is not conducive to sleeping on the ground.

 My cat sleeps with me – and will continue even with you here.  Do not tell me to lock her out of the bedroom.

Must not have a drinking problem – meaning you do not drink every night and when you do drink you do not get so drunk that you are the stumbling bumbling idiot and don’t wake up at noon the next day.  It’s perfectly acceptable to go out for a bit, have a couple drinks, NOT risk a DUI and wake up me still loving you.

 If you smoke, that’s fine because so do I – but not in my house, not around babies, and not in front of my parents. If you have a problem with any of those, goodbye.

 I’m not real big on sloppy public displays of affection.  Especially in front of my friends and family.  A quick kiss (not sucking my face off) or slap on the ass or a hug is fine – trying to make out with me, grope me or grind against me during the holidays at my parents’ house is not only going to disgust them but will embarrass me.  And make you look like a juvenile.

 I need my engagement ring to be two carats – doesn’t have to be a diamond, could be an emerald or sapphire (still 2 carats) with diamonds in the band on either side – sounds pretty good to me!

 Wedding band will be a band of diamonds. No exceptions.  White gold or platinum only – I do not wear yellow gold.  EVER.

 I’m a purse whore – you need to accept that I will buy a purse anywhere between $80 and $140 every two or three weeks.  Just budget for it – actually, it’s my money, so budgeting isn’t necessary.  My parents have accepted it, so can you.

 I will always be horny – I will not require foreplay. I love giving blowjobs, roadhead, showertime, nooners, quickies, etc…. you will never be unsatisfied sexually. I will do the laundry, I will iron for you and I will cook dinner.  You will do the dishes, secure us a home in the country but not too far from the city because I like modern conveniences and my ice cream not melting on the way home from the grocery store and knock me up at least once.  You must love and appreciate my family, understand that they are not perfect, they are set in their ways and do what we kids do and just humor my parents. 

 Please apply within, with a picture.

 Did I mention I love giving blowjobs?

 The first contestant is chris gkljkdlj  – I can’t read his last name because he used some sort of garbled font – gut instincts tell me it’s a good thing he lives in Ashtabula, about 70 miles from me…. So let’s check him out!  5’11 (good), interested in women (great) relationship status – unknown.  Huh?   His Perfect Match is “a loveing woman who is honest and completely devoted to the things that matter most.”  Did you catch the typo? Because I sure as hell did.  We won’t even get into how he doesn’t know if he’s in a relationship or not….I think I’m done reading, aren’t you?

 Next we have Precioso – he hails from Barberton, or Barbertucky as we affectionately refer to it because it’s a bit, well, back’ards.  His profile picture is a llama eating a carrot.  His Perfect Match is “tired of losers.”  Well jackass, try posting a picture of yourself and maybe your luck will improve.  Next!

 Finally, we have Budinakron.  Hmmmm I suddenly want a drink.  Sweet Jesus!  He’s 53, a widower, kids are grown and thank you Jesus he lives in Kent which is about 25 miles away.  Wow, I’m really hitting the jackpot.  Let me reiterate – I am 34 and would like to have a child – I don’t want to be changing my husband’s diapers in 20 years.  Ok that’s mean, I’m sorry, but I’m really not interested in a 20 year spread – aren’t penises wrinkly enough without adding 20 years to them??

 On to Datehookup where we have Jeep02057 who lives in Olmstead Falls, about 45 miles from me.  Thank God because he has this to say…”Hi there, I am an average white male with brown hair and blue eyes. I work in healhcare industry. I am in an open relationship, I know its not for everyone but it works for me. I am looking for a lady between the ages of 25-40 for a casual relationship cause you can never have enough good friends. I love outdoors, camping, fishing, boating, kayaking, 4 wheeling. I also like to go to movies, dinners and ofcourse i always enjoy spending time with a classy lady..”  Even if I were to forgive the grammatical/punctuation errors, an open relationship????  Yea dude, I’m definitely into that because I’m not looking for a commitment or anything!  45 miles for a POA is not gonna happen.

 Avella1 lives 76 miles away from me and is 5’3” tall.  Fuck this.  I’m not doing a long distance relationship with a guy who has to stand on his toes to kiss me.

 And then we have Honest 70 who not only winked but wants to be my friend…awww…. Jesus.  So he has no profile picture, lives in Waynesburg, about 15 miles from me.  Now THIS is the way to start my morning:  “i am somewhat quit and not into the games or bar sences. lookking for someone whos honest and careing and not into the games.”

 I quit.

 MySpace is where you’ll post that your mood is loved and “you’re so in love with your boyfriend because he knows just how to make you cum.”

 Facebook is where you’ll post that you’re so appreciative of the new relationship in your life.

 MySpace is where you’ll post that your mood is pissed off and you hate your boss because he’s an annoying condescending douche bag piece of shit.

 Facebook is where you’ll post that it’s been a long day and you could sure use a hot bubble bath and a glass of wine.

 MySpace is where you’ll post that your mood is vindictive and that ugly skank-ass cokeheaded bitches should watch a porn and learn to please their man so he can stop coming to my house” [generally in response to aforementioned ugly skank-ass cokeheaded bitch calling you a whore on HER MySpace status].

 Facebook is where you’ll post that you’re feeling a bit superior at the moment and you hope it doesn’t mess with your karma.

 MySpace is where you’ll post your mood is orgasmic and OMG I just got the ever-loving SHIT fucked out of me! Love my #1 POA!

 Facebook is where you’ll post that you’re a bit sore and worn out.

 MySpace is where you’ll post that your mood is Drunkoffmyass and I don’t think I’ve ever had so many shots in one night – my car is missing….

 Facebook is where you’ll post “love my friends! Having a blast!” and won’t change it for 24 hours because that’s how long it will take you to regain consciousness.

 MySpace is where your mood will be fuck off and your boyfriend is such an annoying immature piece of shit who can kiss your ass goodbye.

 Facebook is where you’ll post that all good things must come to an end – moving on!

 MySpace is where you’ll post that your mood is hilarious and that you shouldn’t be to blame because someone else’s boyfriend slept with you – after all, you were just using him for sex.

 Facebook is where you’ll post that you love finding the joy in the little things in life.

 MySpace is where, on a Friday, you’ll post that your mood is beachy and that you’re soo excited to do a long weekend at the beach this weekend!!!

 Facebook is where, on a Friday, you’ll post that you’re soooo sick – had to call off work and must have picked up a bug and just need to sleep sleep sleep all weekend.

#1 favorite musical of all time, which I started watching when I was probably 6 years old: Best Little Whorehouse in Texas starring Dolly Parton, Burt Reynolds and Dom Delouise. It’s about – you guessed it – a whorehouse in Texas. Favorite song? “Nothing Dirty Going On (just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill).” Tits and ass are everywhere, the songs are great and you get to see people smoking weed to boot. [hmmmmmm wonder where I got it from]

Victor/Victoria – starring Julie Andrews, it’s about a destitute young female singer who decides to conspire with a gay manager and pose as a man who performs as a woman.

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers – a lovely 19th century Oregon woodsmen musical of seven brothers who kidnap themselves seven brides who eventually fall in love with them. My little sister and I used to re-enact the barn raising dance in the basement.

Song of the South – now practically “out of print” it’s the story of Uncle Remus who tells the tales of Brer Rabbit – and sings one of my favorite songs, Zippity Do Dah.

Fame – “I’m Gonna Live Forever!” need I say more??

Grease – “It’s a Really Pussy Wagon” and “Sloppy seconds ain’t my style” – SERIOUSLY – where do I get my sexual prowess from? I just don’t know!

Chorus Line – about, you guessed it (they don’t make the titles too obvious do they?) a chorus line audition in New York. Favorite song: “Tits and Ass” – again, wonder where in the hell I got it from.

Little Shop of Horrors – you know, the deadly plant that eats people? I don’t know why “Down on Skid Row” was my favorite song…..and then Skid Row was a favorite band….hmmmmm

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory – original, not the freaky deaky Depp version (and I love Johnnny Depp but come on, he comes off as a child-molester unich).

The Muppet Movie – make fun of Rainbow Connection and I will hurt you.

Fiddler on the Roof – of course the infamous musical telling the story of Tevye and his daughters in Russia in the early 21st century. “If I Were a Rich Man” and “Tevye’s Dream” taught me that to be poor was really not something I wanted to experience and that if you convince yourself of the lie, you can convince others of the lie LOL

Hairspray and the Highschool Musical triology – love the jumpy tunes and yes, I’ll admit it, Zac Efron needs to be my personal sex toy. Shut up – he’s legal.

And the others that I can think of at this moment, almost all of which I own…

Wizard of Oz
Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Sound of Music
Moulin Rouge
Phantom of the Opera
The Wiz
Les Miserables
White Christmas
My Fair Lady
Aladdin
Beauty and the Beast
Rent
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Evita
Hair
Mamma Mia
The King & I
The Lion King
Little Mermaid

Do not pound on my door at 3:00 a.m. and proceed to blow up my phone for an hour – you will not get ass.

Do not pull a jealous routine when you find out I’m going out with another guy – you’re a POA because you’re not datable – get jealous and you will not get ass.

Do not lie to me – you will not get ass.

Do not fail to tell me you have a new girlfriend – you will not get ass.

Do not throw me under the bus when your girlfriend busts you for cheating on her again – you will not get ass.

Do not carry on a conversation with me via text and suddenly go incommunicado for twelve hours – you will not get ass.

Do not compare me to your girlfriend, ex-girlfriend or call me a typical woman – you will not get ass.

Do not get drunk because you hate your life (which you made yourself) and text me at 2 in the morning to tell me you care about me – you will not get ass.

Do not try to criticize me for my past relationships when you are living with a cokehead alcoholic – you will not get ass.

Do not whine to me – you will not get ass

Do not return a key to my house with a nasty note just because I’m dating someone and will not fuck you (because unlike you, I’m not a cheater) – you will not get ass.

Do not tell me I live an easy life just because I don’t make stupid decisions like you and I happen to pay my bills – you will not get ass.

Do not chat with me constantly on the phone and then ignore me in social situations – you will not get ass.

Do not be a lying, cheating, sack of shit sorry excuse of a man – you will not get ass.

In fact, it would probably be best if you didn’t open your mouth at all – answer your call of duty, come over, do your duty, and get the hell out – promise to do that and you WILL get ass.

To see DAC was to get absolutely wasted and enjoy the show. We had a normal routine – drink on the way to the venue, me dressed as scantily as I could while showcasing my gigantic boobs. Eric would park me as close (standing room) to the stage as he could and leave me to get beers. Picture gigantic boobs in a sea of men. It didn’t take long for me to make my way up to the stage, get beer from guys and the occasional joint. Then, just as the show would start, much to the guys’ dismay, Eric would sidle up and enjoy the front row position I had wrangled for us and ply me with more alcohol.

After one of these concerts, during which I drank I don’t know how much beer, we got back to town (we always convinced some poor schmuck to go to the concerts with us and drive – thank god for recovering alcoholics!). Here’s what I remember…

11:00 pm get back to town and head to the first bar. Flirt with my bartender Ollie as always, have a couple cherry bombs.

12:00 pm go down the road to our other favorite haunt. At this point, I realize I am wasted and I am pretty impressed that I am still able to make conversation. I am also starving (side effect of me getting drunk) and insist on getting a pepperoni roll microwaved for me. The bartender, realizing I am wasted and fears my temper should I not get fed, gets one ready for me. These things are huge and I require a knife. Bartender refuses to give me a knife. To this day, Eric will never be able to tell you how I did it, but I managed to go up to him and get his switchblade. I proceed to cut my pepperoni roll into delicate slices of loveliness. Eric sees that I have his knife and yells at me across the bar to put it down. I wave it in the air.

9 am the next day. I wake up, naked, go to the bathroom and come back to bed. As I close my eyes, I realize I have no recollection of ever going to bed. I turn to Eric and ask him how I got there…. Yea…..

apparently after waving his knife at him, he came and took it back. I kept ordering cherry bombs and no one saw fit to deny me. WE WENT TO THREE OTHER BARS. Let me reiterate – I have blacked out, I have no memory of this, only the phone calls and stories everyone told me to confirm it. I insisted we keep barhopping, and I insisted I was fine and kept drinking cherry bombs. I went to see all of my favorite bartenders and tell them how much I loved them. I apparently made phone calls….(another reason why you should just take away my phone when I’m drinking)….I left a voicemail for my friend Tommy – when he saw me a few days later, he said he saved it because he just couldn’t believe what I was saying. He asked me if I wanted to listen to it – I looked at him and said “Tommy, I really don’t think I do…” He said “honey, you REALLY don’t… we’ll just keep it between us.” ugh.

I ask Eric how I got to bed (since I don’t remember even coming home). Well, turns out he did finally see that I needed to get home. So Mindy and Kevin, God love them, drove us home and apparently helped me inside. Now understand, even under normal circumstances, I tend to just strip and walk around the house – I’m not bashful. Well apparently, I didn’t really care that Mindy and Kevin were standing there in the living room…and as soon as I walked in the door, I started stripping my way to the bathroom to pee and then on into the bedroom. Yup, stark ass naked in front of two of our friends.

I then apparently proceeded to fuck Eric’s brains out, every way possible, doing some crazy ass shit (crazy even for me) that I do not recall. And then I never drank another cherry bomb again.

A REAL girlfriend will love you so much that she will offer to draw you a nice hot bath, light some candles and play soft music – and add vinegar to that water so she can scrub the grit and grime of past heartaches and abuse off your exterior so you’ll stop being such a heartless bitch.

A REAL girlfriend will hug you long and hard every time she sees you to make sure you can feel just how much she loves you.

A REAL girlfriend will not make fun of YOU for screwing a guy who now weighs 450 pounds – she’ll help you make fun of HIM by telling you to put a can of SlimFast in the fridge at work with his name on it and a box of Dexatrim on his desk.

A REAL girlfriend will laugh at you with all the love in her heart when your OCD kicks in and you insist on re-aligning the mini-meatballs on the plate the two of you are sharing after each of you eat one. Repeat 15 times because it was a ton of fucking meatballs.

A REAL girlfriend read your blog every day LOL

A REAL girlfriend will stop at your house to borrow something and leave a Halloween decoration in your flower pot by the front door.

A REAL girlfriend will leave you “I Love You” notes in random places all over your house.

A REAL girlfriend will save the crossword puzzle for you from the newspaper.

A REAL girlfriend will take your secrets to the grave; as well as the secrets of your boyfriends that you promised you wouldn’t tell to anyone, but everyone knows that telling a girlfriend doesn’t break that promise!