Why You Shouldn’t Drink Too Much

You’ll wake up in the morning and when you see your car in the garage, you’ll wonder how it got there because you don’t remember driving home.

 You’ll wake up in the morning and be impressed you remembered to lock your door, open it, and find your keys in the lock on the other side.

 You’ll play truth or dare in college and end up kissing one guy, humping another and flashing all of them your tits.  The first night they meet you. [they do end up becoming your best friends in college – wonder why?]

 You’ll pose naked on your boyfriend’s motorcycle at a biker rally.

 You’ll wake up passed out in the lawn.  Not a big deal, except it won’t be your lawn.

 You’ll photocopy your boobs. Said photocopies will become a guy’s wallpaper in his bedroom. You will refuse to ever meet his mother.

 Your mother will wake you up four hours after you’ve passed out and force you to run errands with her all day. Your little sister will wonder why you’ve slipped into a coma later on that day as you’re curled up in the fetal position on the couch on a Saturday night.

 You’ll text your girlfriend and tell her you’ve had it, you’re leaving your boyfriend.  Your boyfriend will then respond because you texted him and not said girlfriend.

 You will wake up with grass in your pants and won’t be sure how it got there until the guy calls you a few hours later.  At least he called, right?

 You will leave your boyfriend passed out in the barn at the Senior party and go to sleep in the warm comfy house – and then have to deal with him being pissed off the next day when you drive him home.  Mostly he’ll be pissed because he had to hear Payton and his girlfriend having sex in the barn.

 You will make plans for the next night with everyone present at Christmas dinner.  You will not remember this.  The next day, as you are looking forward to just going home and going to bed because you’re so hung over, your mother will call to remind you of said plans and that there is no way you are getting out of it. Your husband will laugh and tell you you’re on your own and you will endure a hangover during another dinner and a movie.  You will never drink eggnog again.

 You will wake up and go to the kitchen for a bottle of water.  You will look around and notice your shoes in the kitchen.  You will walk back to your bedroom and see your bra and tank top in the hall.  You will see your capri’s in the living room.  You will crawl back in bed and when the guy next to you rolls over and says “last night was incredible” you’ll smile and realize you don’t remember a damn thing about last night.

 You’ll have one of your strangest sexual experiences ever with a cute bricklayer with a tiny dick.

 You’ll scale hotel walls.

 You’ll go for a walk around campus, pee on top of McGaw Chapel and steal a Wooster brick from the sidewalk.

 You’ll go to a Jonas Brothers concert.

 You won’t remember the Prince concert.  Actually, the hydro you smoked probably contributed to that more than the insane amount of alcohol.

 You’ll strip in the parking lot at your friend’s wedding because you can’t stand being in that god-damned bridesmaid dress one second longer. 

 You’ll drive to a crack house in Akron to listen to your friend’s band.

 You’ll make arrangements to screw a guy at your house and then drive to your best friend’s house and pass out on her couch.