How to have an affair with a married man….or, a timeline of your affair with a married man.

Be at a vulnerable point in your life – perhaps while you’re facing a divorce, at low point in your marriage, experiencing some low self-esteem or while you’re terribly drunk and your judgment is clouded.

 Meet a charming, charismatic, good looking, energetic, sexy, everything-your-(present or former) husband/boyfriend-isn’t, man.

 Proceed to confide in said man, describing every childhood memory/trauma, faults of your present/former husband/boyfriend, hopes, needs and desires.

 Coincidentally, said man will have the exact same hopes, needs and desires as you.

 Said man will tell you that you that you deserve better – you should be loved and held and treated like the woman you so apparently are, not as a doormat. You should be kissed and caressed and made love to on a daily basis.

 Said man will tell you that he has felt trapped in his marriage for years, never should have married her in the first place but felt he owed it to her and how he’s always hoped he could find someone who could truly love, appreciate and understand him.

 Declare your undying love for your new-found soulmate.

 Begin making clandestine dates – various motels, weekend getaways “in the city,” 10 minute lunch-time quickies, a sudden interest in the public library.

 Get confronted by his wife – assure her that the phone call at 1:00 in the morning was a misdial – you meant to call another Brian you had in your phone, which is why you said “baby, God I NEED you inside me RIGHT NOW”….

 Purchase second (hidden) cell phones, with the bills going to your work address, and develop a new exercise routines (sudden interest in power walking 5 miles a day) during which you can use hidden cell phone to call and text each other.

 Hide greeting cards from soulmate declaring his undying love in drawer at the office.

 Ignore your friends’ eyes rolling when you assure them that the two of you are going to live happily ever-after…these things just take time. It’s only been six months….

 Begin collecting jewelry gifts from soulmate – charm bracelet, pendant, perhaps even a simple ring to signify “the simple yet solid, true and never-ending love” that the two of you share.

 Ask him when he is going to file for divorce –  understand completely that he is consulting with an attorney and will file as soon as he gets his year-end bonus so that he can afford the legal fees.

 Have sex in every public place possible because after all, fulfilling each other’s fantasies and your insane physical attraction is part of how you know you are soulmates.

 Buy home magazines together and peruse the designs so that when he finally files for divorce and is free to be with you, you can build your dream home.

 Begin naming your future children (a boy and a girl, naturally), planning what vacations you’ll take with his children and deciding what state you’ll actually live in when he gets divorced.

 Ask him when he is going to file for divorce – understand completely that he’s waiting for the school year to end so his children don’t have to balance school and coping with their parents’ marriage ending.

 Ignore your friends’ eyes rolling when you assure them that the two of you are going to live happily ever-after…these things just take time. So what if it’s been a year….

 Plan romantic weekend getaway to reaffirm your love and erase all doubts that this is for real….have afternoon ruined when his children call to say they miss him and his wife is calling you and then him to determine both of your locations.

 Upon returning home, melancholy and heartsick, begin to wonder if he’s ever going to leave his wife and begin this new magical life with you.

 Have a one night stand with someone you went to high school with and realize that random sex with guys you can call or text any time seems more and more attractive to you.

 Send him legal website links to describe divorce process, child custody statutes, child support calculator, possible attorneys, etc…. and tell him he can only call you when he actually files the paperwork.

 Get an email from him a week later begging for more time, things are complicated, he loves you so much and needs you in his life but he needs to figure out how to break it to his children and promises you that he’s seen an attorney, he just can’t remember that attorney’s name off the top of his head.

 Sleep with him one last time to get your rocks off and then when you leave him at the drop off point, confiscate the cell phone and tell him you’re through.

 Proceed to whore it up a bit and go out drinking with your girlfriends who are so glad you finally opened your eyes and saw that he was full of shit for a year and a half.

 Laugh your ass off four years later when you find out that he finally got a divorce and got hosed by his ex-wife, who was having an affair by the way, lost his job and got a DUI and now has trust issues because he can’t believe he cheated on her.  Remind him that he was the one who cheated on his soon-to-be wife 2 days before their wedding, as well as during their marriage, and that karma’s a bitch.